Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: How do you change a blonde\’s mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: How do you measure a blonde\’s intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write \’Please turn over\’ on both sides of a piece of paper

-Ah! So, you’ll stay home and I’ll tell your dad to go to replace you. Is that OK?

Để ba con đá thay cho

Bà mẹ bảo con trai (là cầu thủ bóng đá)

Con à ! Chiều nay có bà bạn của mẹ dẫn con gái bà ấy sang nhà ta chơi cho con coi mắt . Con nhớ ở nhà nhé !

Chàng trai nhăn nhó :

Trời ! chiều nay con phải đi thi đấubóng đá rồi , ở nhà làm sao được ?

Thì con xin nghỉ một bữa đi , có chết ai đâu !

Không được mẹ ơi ! Trận cầu chiều nay rất quan trọng ; bằng giá nào con cũng phải đi

à, hay là con cứ ở nhà đi , để mẹ bảo ba con đi đá thay cho là được chứ gì ?

The young wife moved by her football player husband, said:

- Ồ thì ra là đầu của em hả ? Thảo nào trong lúc mơ, anh cứ ngạc nhiên : làm sao mà quà bóng của mình bỗng dưng lại mọc tóc ra dài thế !

“For example, “I‘ll go shopping tomorrow” shows that you intend to go tomorrow.

“I might go shopping tomorrow” shows that perhaps you will go tomorrow, but you don’t know for sure.

When you use these words, remember:

* They are followed by the verb without to.

* You don’t need an ‘s‘ for the third person singular: “He might come to the party.” (Not “he mights come to the party”.)

* You can make a question by putting the word before the person, not by using ‘do’ or ‘have’: “Could you help me?” (Not “do you could help me?”)

* You can make a negative form by adding a form of not to the word:

can becomes can’t

will becomes won’t

might becomes might not (or mightn’t)
may becomes may not

could becomes couldn’t.

How possible something is

“The company might relocate next year.”

“We may have to wait an hour for dinner in this restaurant.”

“It can get very cold here in winter.”

“We could all live to be 100 years old in theory.”

How certain something is

“She‘ll get promoted next year.”

“He won’t agree to that idea.”

“You must be our new neighbour.”

“If you left now, you would get the train.”

Offers and requests

“Shall I open the door for you?”

“I‘ll cook dinner, if you like.”

“Could you help me?”

“Can you pass me the salt, please?”

Permission

“Can I open the window, please?”

“You may now look at your exam papers.” (This is formal.)

Ability

“I can cook, but I can’t drive.”

“I couldn’t speak French very well when I was at school.”

Using should, must and need

These words help you to talk about rules, obligation and advice.

Should

We use should to give advice.

“If you want to learn English, you should practise as much as possible.”

We can also use should to talk about what we expect to happen.

“He should be here by now – he left over an hour ago.”

The negative of should is shouldn’t.

“You shouldn’t eat so much chocolate – it’s bad for you.”

Must

We use must to talk about obligation.

“I must call my grandmother today – it’s her birthday.”

If you want to say the opposite – that there is no obligation to do something, use don’t have to or don’t need to.

“You don’t have to wash the car – I’ll do it.”

“You don’t need to put the rubbish out – I’ve already done it.”

We can also use must to talk about what we think is logically certain.

“You must be tired after all that travelling.”

If you want to say that something is logically impossible, use can’t.

“Who’s that at the door? It can’t be the postman – he’s already been.”

Mustn’t means that it is not allowed to do something.

“You mustn’t feed animals in the zoo – it’s not allowed.”

Should have done

Look at this example dialogue:

“You know… my car was broken into yesterday.”

“How terrible. What did you do?”

“Oh, nothing.”

“You should have called the police.”

We use the pattern should have done to talk about what we think would have been the best thing to do. However, the past event we are talking about cannot be changed. So the pattern after should is have done – not should do.

In the example dialogue, the person didn’t contact the police yesterday (in the past), so you can’t change the situation. You can only say what action would have been the best in this situation.

Note

When you use this construction, be careful not to say should had done.

After verbs

You use the ing form after some verbs such as enjoy, admit, appreciate, can’t stand / help / bear, deny, avoid, mind, understand.

For example, “I can’t stand doing nothing”, or “she denied breaking the copier”.

With ‘from’ and ‘to’ with some verbs

Prevent / stop someone from doing: “He prevented her from leaving.”

Look forward to doing: “We look forward to hearing from you soon.”

Object to doing: “Does anyone object to me smoking?”

Get used to doing: “It took him a long time to get used to living in a city.”

Prefer something to doing something else: “I prefer cooking to doing the dishes.”

After prepositions

“Before going out he turned off the heating.”

“I’m tired of arguing.”

“These are used for cracking walnuts.”

“I passed the exam by remembering the equations.”

In some fixed expressions

“As well as doing…”
“It’s no good doing…”
“It’s no use doing…”

Some verbs can use either the ‘to do’ or the ‘ing’ form

See / hear / watch someone do / doing

With the verb form do, you see or hear the whole action. For example,”I heard him tell you about the letter.”

With the verb form ing you only see or hear part of the action. For example, “I saw her drinking a coffee in the bar.”

Remember / regret

If you use ing after these verbs, you are talking about something that happened before. “I remember coming here as a child” – I’m not a child any more, but I remember the times when I came here before.

“I regret not studying.” (I didn’t study in the past and I regret it now.)

If you use the to do form after these verbs, then you are referring to something in the future.

“Please remember to turn off the lights.” (Please don’t forget to do it later.)

“I regret to inform you that…” (I’m just about to tell you some bad news.)

Stop

“I want to stop smoking.” (I want to break my habit.)

“She stopped to sit down.” (She stopped walking so that she could sit down.)

Try

Try + ing = try out this experiment.

Try reading something in English every day.” (You may be surprised at the results!)

Try to do = try hard to do something.

“Please try to be quiet when you come in.” (Please make an effort.)

Do you mean that you used to study, but you don’t study any more, or do you mean that you know about studying?

Avoid making mistakes by remembering the verb pattern.

Used to + verb describes a past habit or state.

For example:

He used to smoke, but he doesn’t now.”

To be used to + verb with ing describes something that you are now familiar with.

For example, “Five years ago, I didn’t know about the internet. Now I am used to working with it.”

“Come here!”
“Sit down!”

To make a negative imperative, put “do not” or “don’t” before the verb:

“Don’t go!”
“Do not walk on the grass.”

The imperative can be used for all subjects (you, he, they and we), but you can also use “let’s” before the verb if you are including yourself in the imperative:

“Let’s stop now.”
“Let’s have some lunch.”

The negative of “let’s” is “let’s not”:

“Let’s not argue!
“Let’s not tell her about it.”

Orders

Adults do not usually give each other orders, unless they are in a position of authority. The intonation of an order is important: each word is stressed, and the tone falls at the end of the sentence:

“Sit down now!” (‘Sit’, ‘down’ and ‘now’ are all stressed, and the tone falls on ‘now’.)

However, adults can give orders to children and to animals:

Here are some orders you could give your pet dog:

“Come here!”
“Sit!”
“Heel!”
“Fetch!”

Warnings

You can use the imperative to warn someone of danger. All the words in the warning are stressed, but the last word has a higher tone than the first word:

“Watch out!”
“Look out!”
“Don’t cross!”

Advice

When you give advice using the imperative, the words are stressed normally:

“Eat an apple – it’s much better for you than a biscuit!”

“Don’t tell him you’re resigning now! Wait until Monday when he’s in a better mood.”

You can often read articles in magazines that give advice on a subject. Sometimes, this advice is presented as “Dos and don’ts”.

For example:

Travelling long-distance

Do try to sleep well the night before
Do drink plenty of water
Do try to walk about the plane during the flight
Don’t drink alcohol
Don’t eat heavy meals
Don’t wear restrictive clothing

Requests

You can also use the imperative to make a request, but you should use a polite word before the verb:

“Please take a seat.”
“Please wait here.”
“Please hold the line.”
“Please don’t smoke here.”

In written English, you might also see “Kindly” used as a polite word:

“Kindly return the documents as soon as possible.”
“Kindly forward this to the Sales and Marketing department.”
“Kindly send me 2 copies of your brochure.”

Making predictions in English

You can use both will and going to to make predictions.

For example, “I think the Labour party will lose the next election.” Or “I think the Labour party are going to lose the next election.”

If you can make a prediction based on what you see now, we use going to.

For example, “You’re driving too fast, you’re going to hit the car in front!”

Future plans and arrangements

If something has already been planned, use going to with the verb, or the Present Continuous tense.

“I’m going to take my exams next month.”

“He‘s visiting a client on Tuesday.”

Unplanned future

When we decide to do something at the moment of speaking, we use will.

“The phone’s ringing – I’ll answer it.”
(You only answer the phone when it starts ringing.)

Future schedules

When we want to talk about a schedule, we use the Present Simple tense.

“The plane leaves in half an hour – we’d better hurry.”

“Next week I fly to Italy, then on Tuesday, I‘m in Spain.”

Events in progress at a time in the future

To talk about something that will be in progress at a time in the future, use will be doing.

“For example, “This time next week, I‘ll be sitting on a plane.”

We can also use this form to make polite requests.

“Will you be using the car tomorrow?”
(If you won’t, can I use it?)

Events that will be completed by a time in the future

If you want to say that something will be completed by a time in the future, use will have done.

“I’ll have finished the report by this afternoon.”

Final tip

Many learners of English overuse will and going to. Try using all the different future forms so that you become more confident.

* When it’s important to say which event happened first in the past

* In reported speech

* To show regret about the past

* In conditional (if) sentences

Normally, when we say what happened in the past in English, we use the simple past or past continuous form.

For example, “He got up early to go to the beach. He spent all day there and went home as it was getting dark.”

We know which order things happened in, so we don’t need the past perfect tense.

Sometimes, we need to explain which events happened before other ones (especially if we “jump” around in our story). When we need to show that one thing happened before another, we can use the past perfect form.

For example, “I was hungry, as I hadn’t eaten all day.” (Being hungry happened after not eating all day.)

Compare these two sentences:

“When he got to the airport, the plane took off.” (The plane took off after he arrived at the airport.)

“When he got to the airport, the plane had taken off.” (The plane took off before he arrived at the airport.)

Reported speech in English

“I didn’t see her,” he said.
Because his words are in the past, when we report them we need to go one tense back and use the past perfect.

“He told me he hadn’t seen her.”

This is also the case if the words are in the present perfect.
“I have never been to Scotland.”
She said that she had never been to Scotland.

To show regret

I wish I hadn’t gone to the party. (But I went.)
If only she hadn’t bought that car. (But she did.)

Conditional sentences (when we speculate about past events)

If I had worked harder, I would have passed the exam. (But I didn’t work harder, so I failed.)

If you had told me, I could have helped. (But you didn’t tell me, so I couldn’t help.)

If they had left earlier, they might have caught the plane. (But they didn’t leave earlier, so they didn’t get the plane.)

If you use the Past Simple (“I did”), you consider the event or events as finished and in the past. This tense is often used with a time reference: last year, last week, in 1991, this morning (if it’s now the afternoon) and so on.

With the Present Perfect (“I have done”), there is a connection to the present.

For example, “I have lived here for five years.” (I still live here.)

Uses of the Present Perfect

When the past affects the present

“I‘ve lost my wallet.”
This means that you have lost your wallet (sometime in the past, but we don’t know when), but what is really important is that you don’t have it now, at the time of speaking.

If instead, you say “I lost my wallet”, people understand that you lost it, but not that it affects the present. They expect you to tell them about the time that you lost the wallet.

We use the Present Perfect tense to show that something has a result or a connection to now. This means that it’s used to give news.

“The Euro slips!”
(headline)

“The Euro has slipped against the pound again.”
(news report)

“My sister has had a baby.” (announcing news)

Experiences

Your experiences make you the person you are now. We don’t use dates and times to give information on what makes you this person.

“I‘ve been to New Zealand.” (I know something about New Zealand.)

We often ask questions about people’s experiences with ever. For example, “Have you ever been white-water rafting?”

States or activities that started in the past, which have continued up to now and will probably continue into the future.

“I have worked here for five years.”

“I have lived here since 1994.”

Use since to give the date that an activity or state started and use for to give the period of time the activity or state has lasted.

Recent past

“Have you finished yet?”

“I’ve already written the report.” (Here it is.)

In these type of examples, we often use yet, already still, just and recently.

Note: American English uses the Past Simple instead of the Present Perfect in these examples. For instance, “Did you eat yet?”

Using both tenses in a conversation

“Have you travelled much?”

“Yes, I‘ve been to the USA.”

“Oh really? When did you go?”

The first question and the reply concern a person’s experience, so they use the Present Perfect. But the second question asks for more information about the experience. Because it refers to a past time (when the person went to the USA), the Past Simple is used.

The conversation could continue:

“Oh really? When did you go?”

“Two years ago. I visited a friend in California, but I only stayed a week.”

“Did you like it?”

“Yes, it was a fantastic trip.”

How to use the Present Perfect Continuous.

Temporary situations

Like the Present Continuous and Past Continuous, the Present Perfect Continuous is used to talk about activities or states that are temporary, rather than permanent.

Compare:

“I have been the Marketing Manager for five years.” (This is my job.)

“I‘ve been working on a new customer database.” (This is a temporary project.)

Unfinished situations

“I‘ve been writing letters all morning.” (I still haven’t finished them.)

“This morning I‘ve written three letters.” (They are all finished.)

Repeated and continuous actions

“No wonder you’re not hungry. You‘ve been eating sweets for the last hour.” (One sweet after another.)